Chronic illness. Do you get it?

Chronic illness. Two words. Yet so much confusion lies within them. Yes I (and others, look fine) but inside we hurt, and are a mess. We take massive amounts of pills and injections just to live (they hardly let us feel decent, let alone good)

I used to see someone who looked fine using wheelchairs, walking slow, resting a lot, etc and assumed it was just a lazy person. Now I know better. Far too well.

Never asked for all this, nor did anyone else with an illness. Just remember we fight every step of the day, we have to convince doctors to help us, find compitent docs, then fight insurance for medication the doctors want us on. Not to mention the Labs, tests, etc. It's all very tiring, and much like a horrible job you can't quit and don't get paid for.

Don't judge, not everyone was blessed with a working body. Nearly sitting up takes a lot of energy. I do everything possible to change my status (the list of things I try is very long) however as of yet I've never found a good solution, just temporary solutions that may end up causing more problems in the end.

I've been at this since I was 15, nearly 15 years. Half my life. All my adult life.

If you know someone struggling with physical or mental issues, support them, ask them what they need. Don't offer a ton of unproven cures (we all hear this often) and remember, looks don't mean a thing.

Make the world better, help someone that needs it. Peace!

Pueblo Police - You can not take photos!

So here I am, driving home and I see cops, and a car partly in a building. These are the things I like to photograph. So I proceeded to take photos (All the while staying VERY out of the way) and then a female cop approaches me and tells me they are investigating and "I Don't need you taking photos" so I ask if I can stand across the way, she reluctantly said yes.
So I walk to the other curb and take an overview photo, then a male cop approaches and tells me they are investigating and if I continue they will seize my camera as evidence. I tried to state that I was not in the way, and such but it was of no use. I was told to leave, had I stayed jail was likely my next stop.

So my rights were likely violated, a complaint has been filled. What will happen? Nothing I bet.

This type of abuse by those in law enforcement is what gives them a bad name. Photography is NOT A CRIME.

Why is this such an issue?

I have heard of others being hassled (MUCH worse than this) however this is enough for me to get motivated. I will now take every chance possible to photograph cops, if they are eating, if they are doing anything...I WILL BE THERE.

Police, do some police work and leave photographers alone!

The night aliens abducted me

--Originally Posted January 25th 2006 on Myspace --
This is a re-cap of my night last night. Hope it makes some sense!

Ok so I went outside to light a small fire lastnight, just after dark. I had it goin pretty good, and threw one more pieve of paper in it just to be sure..hehe...(I love fire, controlled fire that is).
Next thing I know I am inside, I HAVE NO IDEA what is going on, shelly is panicing I panic. I dont remember anything I did for the whole day, and I am covered in mud and my glasses are missing. Next thing that happens my mom + sis show up, as does the sheriff and ambulance. They do some blood tests, find my blood sugar to be low. Aparently I was having a hard time breathing and sweating real bad. So I get a ride to the hospital in the ambulance, and get put on oxygen as I couldnt breath.
Upon arrival I am immeidately brought to a room and tests begin. They ask me if I know who I am, what day it is (I never know that) and who the prez is. So in the end I was at the hospital for a while doin blood work, and several xrays. Turns out I hurt myself pretty bad falling wherever I fell. My right ankle, right wrist, and back are in extreme pain. So I am given two seperate morphine shots, which just barely cool the pain. After all is said and done they dont really know what happened, and everything comes back ok.
Today (the day after) my whole body hurts really bad. My jaw hurts so bad I cant really chew, and I cant move very well at all. I have numerous cuts and scrapes all over. Luckily we found my glasses later on lastnight, nowhere near where I should have been.
I still have no idea what happened, and I dont remember anything that happened up until the ambulance came. I have never experienced not knowing what is happening or how I got inside, and it was the most freightning thing I have had to deal with.
Somehow I walked from the fire, past the front door apparently fell and knocked my glasses off, and then fell a few more times on the way to the door it seems. I wish never to repeat this, and hope you dont either!

Pueblo County Sheriff

--originally posted January 30, 2006 on MySpace --

Allrighty,
So earlier this morning I was at work with a friend I met on MySpace, this was our first time meeting. So that was damn cool just to begin with!
So we wound up at work, and I parked out in front of the gate (being too lazy to open it and drive through). We walked up the the building and in we went. Gave her a tour, and then we sat on a couch by the front door. We were talking for about an hour, and wound up talking about ghosts and such.
Now all of the sudden I hear the "Ding dong" noise indicating the front door has opened...this alone freaks me out. So I jump out of the couch and in front of the second front door...what do i see?
Nothing less than 4 large men, dressed all in black guns drawn and pointed at me! Now I jump back in a bit of shock...Shortly after I realize they are Sheriff's officers and they order me not to move...im fine with that.
They ask who I am, etc etc...I tell them security, they also question Rachael, who is now about to have a heart attack over by the couch. One of the officers stays with us while the rest check out the building, guns drawn.

Soooooo after all this they run clearances on us, and have my demonstrate the key to the building I have works.. (hey, maybe I should lock the door next time?)...Convinced that we are not criminals and mearly security, they clear with dispatch letting them know all is ok.
I look outside, their are now 4 sheriff's cars surrounding my car.
So anyway, the one officer happened to be the one who was at my house earlier this week...when I had some medical issues, so I think that helped him believe me a bit more.
All in all, I was and still am quite shaken up, never had guns pointed at me! Good thing I wasn't holding anything, and no one got trigger happy.

So ya, Rachael my nights don't normally go like that! I hope you are not scared for life to visit me again!! LoL!

Soooo Lessons learned:
Dont park suspicously, or in my case lazily.
Dont leave doors unlocked!

Well, I am about ready to sleep now, been a long night!
See ya!

I Miss

--Originally Posted April 10, 2006 on Myspace --

I miss the days when going online required a trip to grandmas house
The days when going online was a rare, and thrilling event for me.
I could meet new people, see new things, and be forever fascinated by all that the internet was.

I miss the days when I could have fun! The days back at the old car-lot, where I would sit in an unused office (my office!) and play on the computer. An old 386 that barely ran Windows 95. But it was mine, my first computer. I loved it. I learned most of what I know based on that PC. I was eager to take it apart, and build it back up. Getting a new soundcard, was the most amazing thing ever. My windows could finally talk!

The days when worrying were limited to only, would I be able to do all the fun things I want today?
The days when playing a new computer game was the thrill of a lifetime.

Those days seem very distant now. I have trouble finding anything to satisfy my need to have fun. Newer games are too complex and involved to just sit, and play. And the older games have lost their appeal to me.

The days of playing Simcity (now called Simcity Classic, gosh that makes me old!) for hours on end, and never being sick of it.

So I sit here, listening to a hidden piece of music in Windows XP...wondering..what is their to do? Their must be something that interests me, but yet, what is it? I cant find it, no matter how hard I try. I sit and think, how boring my life has become. And I want to change that, really, I do. But how? What does one do, to change how their life has become?

Everyday I wake up, only to lay in bed. Why get up, I have nothing to do! And on the remote chance I could do something, I most likely dont feel well enough to actually do anything about it. It is an endless loop, one I try desperately to break free from. But it seems the harder I try to break free, the harder it pushes me back. It is a loop made from alien material, material that can not be broken.

So here I am, 3am. Lost. Confused...and bored!
Good day,
Justin

Ubuntu

Recently I got fed up with windows constant problems and crashes. I have (had) an XP install on this machine and after only a few months I had more problems than I care to have, and they were weird, annoying problems with no clear fix. Of course windows usually fix is, wipe the drive and reinstall the OS. While this works, I hate it. It takes time and I customize every aspect of my system, so this takes a lot of time to reproduce each time.

Given that ive been a windows guy my whole life, starting with 3.1 the thought of switching to another OS, is freighting. Or at least it was.

And so I began an install of Ubuntu Edgy, it was a LiveCD so I expected to play with the new OS while it installed. Unfortunately I got some weird error and the cd wouldnt load, this was a compatibility problem with my motherboard (Asus m2n32sli), after googling the error I found an easy fix. All I had to do was update the BIOS, which took care of the boot problem and a few others :)

Upon booting into the liveCD I found it ran quite nice considering it wasnt installed and all running from memory and CD. So I installed, and well...it couldnt have been easier. Point and click the whole way. Faster than installing windows, and it seemed like less work too.

Upon rebooting into my new Ubuntu installation I was greated with gnome, and my learning began. Everything worked out of the box, but not quite how I wanted. The only things I needed to fix (and they were only cause im picky) was some mouse settings (scroll wheel, back button) and my video drivers. My only real problem in linux so far has been video drivers. I unfortunately have an ATI card and I spent way, way too much time trying to make this work.

Fastforward around 2 months, I have no installed Kubuntu Feisty and it went really well also. I have learned that linux is not windows (good one to keep in mind), ive learned many things are easier in linux, some are harder. But all in all kubuntu, ubuntu, etc, seem to be a great alternative OS.

We shall call this part 1. If I ever feel like it I will write part 2 :)

Pandora

Pandora is an amazing product offering to show you new music that you will like. And it does in fact do what it claims.

I have for a long time wanted to find music that was similar to artists I liked, but I had no easy way of doing this. Along comes Pandora.

You simply enter an artist or a song, and Pandora does its magic and starts playing songs that are similar. It really does an amazing job and works very well. It requires nearly no effort on your part, you just sit and listen. Which is how it should be!

Pandora does not allow you to play specific songs due to licensing agreements, but this is really no issue considering how well it performs at playing music you will like. You rate songs as you go along (if you want to) and it learns what you like as time goes by.

I would highly recomend Pandora to anyone who is looking to hear new and amazing music with very little effort.

Oh ya, its free.

http://www.pandora.com/

Logitech® Cordless Desktop® MX™ 5000 Laser= Piece of crap

So recently I purchased the Logitech® Cordless Desktop® MX™ 5000 Laser . I was excited, a new toy! That excitement quickly vanished and turned to frustration and anger...

Let me tell you what is wrong with this product.

1. It uses Logitech's craptastic Setpoint software. It randomly resets settings to default, so if you set a button to do something, once and a while it randomly just reverts to default settings. Logitech's fix for this is to reinstall setpoint. Guess what? That doesnt work.
2. Its a wireless keyboard and mouse, but you better not have the mouse or keyboard more than a couple feet from the bluetooth adapter. They claim it has amazing range. It actually has a range of only a few feet, and even then isnt very reliable. It will periodically loose connection and then ALL of the sudden your mouse will move all over the screen, as if it were controlled by a higher power.
3. The keyboard has this amazing power save feature, which results in double letters once and a while. So if you leave it alone and begin typing, you will have two of whatever the first letter is you type.
4. The display, is pretty much useless. The angle is wrong (for me anyway) to be able to see it clearly. Oh and reference problem #1...if you change the settings for the display, they will revert to default every once and a while.

Now I must say the mouse itself was quite nice, and felt good to use. If it werent for the lag, and connection problems it would be a nice little mouse.

All in all I felt this was a terrible wast of money so I took this lovely set back. This is the FIRST time I have ever had trouble with Logitech gear and I was very disapointed. I replaced the combo with a Saitek keyboard (which glows, and works great) and a different Logitech mouse, which I used for about two weeks before returning. This was due to the setpoint problems as well, and Logitech seems to be unable to fix this problem. And from searching online I am far from the only one with these issues.

Bottom line, the Logitech MX 5000 is a poorly designed and poorly supported combo. I would highly recomend you stay away from it.

I would also recomend you do not purchase ANY Logitech mouse that uses Setpoint software. Unless you dont mind the default settings.

I have been a longtime Logitech fan, and a loyal customer. After this I am unsure if I will ever use their products. Logitech, I am sorry to lose you as a good companion!

Firefox Download Action Blank Fix

So I came across this wonderful problem earlier, and it took more searching than I like to find a fix. So here it is for anyone else who has the problem.

Problem: Clicking "view & edit actions" in firefox to set file download actions results in an empty window with no possibility of changing anything

Solution: Taken from: https://bugzilla.mozilla.org/show_bug.cgi?id=308204

replaced the blanks in all installation paths of the mimetypes.rdf (located in your profile directory)
C:\Program Files\...) by an underscore : (C:\Program_Files\...) and it works
now perfectly...

So..replace all the blanks on the path= part and all works fine after a restart of firefox. Why? heck if I know, it just works!

My life

So all of my life, I knew something was perhaps different about me. I would see others socializing, having fun, playing. However, I could not do those same things the majority of the time. Noises that no one else hears, bother me intensely. Clothing is a constant source of stress, not for the looks, but the feel. And as of a few months ago, I finally found a reason. And a group of people who feel and act the same way. I found out what Aspergers Syndrome was, and relate very closely to it. While I have no official diagnosis, their is no doubt in my mind that this is me.

Lets start with one of my major problems, shall we? Sound. I hate any sound that is irregular, or of some certain pitch and tone. I can hear the irregularities in a fan motor, and they cause me to find a way to make it stop. Usually taping some of the vent where it blows out will cause the irregularity to go away. I can hear the buzzing of plug-in transformers, and it is painful! Going to a restaurant or nearly all public places faces me with a daunting task of dealing with all of these noises. The fluorescent lights humming, people laughing, talking, , and the various other noises that people make. They all make life very difficult, I cant simply tune them out, or ignore them. A quiet tap, is like a pounding hammer. Constantly distracting me, and causing a weird form of anger. A

Clothing has been a lifelong battle for me, one that is fought daily. Clothing, to most is a statement of their style, and who they are. To me, clothing is simply a daily annoyance. I dont really care what my clothes look like, so long as they are comfortable and they dont irritate me in any way. The seems, patches, fabric, and tightness are all contributers to how I feel. If my clothing doesnt feel good on my skin, my mood instantly goes bad, and I want nothing more than to be free of the bad feeling clothing. If my clothes are uncomfortable, I can not concentrate, work, or do much of anything. As a result of all this, I wear the same shirt and shorts on a daily basis. I get a lot of crap from others about this, but quite honestly they will never understand any of my reasoning. When I get a shirt, or shorts, or anything that "feels" good to me I hold onto it for life! I put my shirt and shorts on every day, knowing they are broken in, they wont poke or scratch my skin, and nothing about them bothers me. This alleviates a very large part of the daily stress I deal with. I will wear this clothing until it is battered, torn, and the fabric nearly see through from wear.

Social interaction is another huge issue for me. It has never come to me easily, and doesn't seem to get any easier through life. I have a huge craving for social interaction, but when i actually interact, I find myself wanting to run and hide from everyone. It is a never ending fight, one that results in me being alone the majority of the time. Which, is quite pleasant most of the time. I find that shopping late at night, is the best way to avoid a lot of these issues. So when I can, 24 hour stores are my favorite place to visit.

Since as far back as I can remember I have spent the majority of my time alone, doing solo things. I used to garden, build things, and various other activities most of the kids my age didn't do. I found them intriguing, always learning something new, and without the bother of people. I could do whatever I wanted, without fear of judgment and the prying eyes of others. To this day I still follow that same pattern. I hang out on line pretty much all day, I can get some socializing done this way, without the same fears that present themselves during real life meetings. The computer is my gateway to the world, without it, I am unsure where I would be.

When I do venture out into the real world, it is a constant fight. I always wonder why people look at me, what they are thinking about me, things of that nature. It makes me feel awkward. When I go places I avoid area with people, avoiding younger people with all possible effort. Young people intimidate me. When I go shopping I try not to go down isles where other people, or employees are. I don't like being approached by employees one bit, so they are avoided at all cost.

I enjoy shopping on line whenever possible, no human involvement at all. I can take my time, without worrying about bothering someone. I can research the item all I want. And of course I don't have to wait in lines, or deal with nearly any annoyance of the real world. I cant imagine life without the Internet!

All of these things have been a daily struggle for me, and for years I have searched on line to try and find people with the same issues, and struggles. Finally not too long ago I did find some answers. I found articles about others who fought clothing, and hated certain noises. These people understood how I felt. And it felt good to be understood!

Around this time is when I began posting on various Aspie boards, asking questions, seeking advice. The people were amazing, they all understood and could relate perfectly to what I was going through. Then I met a wonderful person on one of these boards, her name being Kate. Since that day Kate and I have been talking, chatting, and emailing fairly regularly. We speak nearly the same in our emails, and we often have a hard time distinguishing each another's emails. I had finally found someone who knew exactly what I was going through when I put on clothing, heard the ticking of a clock, or simply wandered aimlessly wherever. Shortly after meeting I even had to privilege of meeting her on a layover in Denver. A lot of driving, for a short meeting, but one of the best things I have done in a long time. Anyway, I mention Kate because she has helped me to understand this condition very well, and has written some amazing articles about Aspergers and living day-to-day with it. I would like to offer you the chance to read up on at least one of them, at this link:

http://www.asdrendrewolf.org/worldnews/kg/bodylotion101_01.htm

She does an amazing job of describing how she feels, and honestly exactly how I feel. So read it!

I also found an interesting article tonight, in another forum. Here are some excerpts, to help describe my day. This particular article is focused more on children with Aspergers, but the same applies to adults. :) Quoted from: http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/11-8-2005-80891.asp

"Asperger children are also overloaded from too many people (crowds), and some scenarios are shopping centers, school assembly/parade, public libraries, movie theatres, concerts, fairs, playgrounds in the park etc. They seem to soak in all the energy around them. Too much to smell, too much to listen to, too much to see, too much movement! "

-Crowds have long been a great fear of mine. I avoid them at all cost!

"Another source of overload for the Asperger child is voice, particularly tone of voice. Long before the words or message is decoded, the tone is instantly analyzed by the ASD child. Any hint of criticism or sarcasm is detected and taken personally. A critical tone is destructive, particularly when the Asperger child is not aware of the 'why'. The 'loop' effect can result in the Asperger child going over the statement long after the event took place. They try to analyze the scenario, and this causes an increase in anxiety, agitation and fear. "

- This has also been a long time issue for me, though until very recently I had no idea why.

"Most Asperger children find it traumatic to be looked at or stared at. Asperger children feel vulnerable; unable to protect themselves from prying eyes. Staring intrudes on their own private world, and these children feel powerless to deal with it. When Asperger children become over sensitized from staring they often think they are being stared at when they're not. Their obsessiveness takes over and "being stared at" can become a major source of bother. "

-Stare at me and I will be long gone very soon!

Ok I think thats about all the writing im going to do for now. Any questions please feel free to ask!

The "geek",

Justin